Lights, Camera, Action

In an attempt to reduce my boredom, my mind wandered to an earlier conversation with my significant other.  Although I'm not entirely sure why I thought of this particular conversation, it brings up an interesting story about the way I think.  

Sitting on the couch before meditating I was struck by the memory my boyfriend had told me long ago.  Exes and dirty, filthy sex.  He had gone through a break-up with his ex-girlfriend with feelings still left over like a frickin' housewife putting away the overflow of spaghetti in a Tupperware container.  For some reason, every time I think of this girl I want to punch her face in.  Excuse me, I'm getting off topic...

After he told me of his rendezvous with her, he said he ended it for the simple demoralization.  He felt dirty.  Good man.  Right answer.  He was celibate for a year before he met me.  That's control!

Thinking of their break-up made me think of our break-up...(if we had one).  This is where the interesting story of my mind comes in.  If we decided to part ways I would still be in love with him.  Would he?  And if he was, why did we break-up in the first place?  If we chose to be apart, would he have dirty, filthy sex with me too?  I was pondering the idea and I came up with the conclusion that he probably wouldn't be filthy and dirty with me.  Once he makes up his mind about something, he usually sticks to it.  Stubborn.

Bringing up past issues and applying them to my own life is so dramatic, yet imaginative.  I sometimes feel as if I write my life into movies.  Constantly comparing each character to the characteristics of the people I know.  It's quite honestly, almost insanity.  

I brought up my imaginative story to him earlier today getting groceries.  When we sat in the car, he simply said he wouldn't have sex with me if we broke up for the same reason.  My suspicions were correct!

After quietly celebrating my 'right-ness' I quickly wondered, 'Why am I not different than her? Wouldn't he because he still loved me too?'.  Soon my mood wasn't so jovial.  I took it personally when I shouldn't have.  But why?  It's because I live in a movie.  I live for drama.  I don't usually make drama in my life, so I watch it on the big screen but what does that tell you?  Is TV going to ruin my way of thinking?  Has it already?

Freaking out for a little while helped me accomplish nothing, so I stopped and calmed down.  He loves me NOW.  He loves me and already has dirty, filthy (loving) sex with me.  Why am I worried about could-have-beens or what-ifs?  Because I'm STUPID, people.  Fucking ridiculously stupid.  

I have the best man anyone could ask for.  The moral of the story is:  Don't let your brain fuck your life over, kids.  Be a thinker, but in a productive way.  Be confident.  Don't live in the past.  Most importantly, appreciate what you have in the now, rather than what was or will be.  

THE FUCKING END. 

Love, Your anonymous blogger